Raising Socially Responsible Kids - Interview with Dr. Michael Ungar

Dr. Michael Ungar

Our local school district hosted a book club during the time we were writing Raising the Village. The book chosen was The We Generation: Raising Socially Responsible Kids by Michael Ungar, Ph.D.  The book, and more importantly the conversation that it inspired had us listing Dr. Ungar as someone we really wanted to learn more from.  The concepts informed and challenged some of our thinking about families. He is the author of 9 books and more than 70 articles and book chapters. He has practiced for over 25 years as a Social Worker and Marriage and Family Therapist with children and families in child welfare, mental health, educational and correctional settings. Now a University Research Professor, and Professor at the School of Social Work, at Dalhousie University in Halifax, Canada, he leads an international team of resilience researchers that spans more than a dozen countries on six continents. In addition to his research and writing interests, Dr. Ungar maintains a small family therapy practice for troubled children, youth and their families. He lives in Halifax with his partner and their two teenaged children.



As of this post, Dr. Ungar is hosting an international conference on resiliency in Nova Scotia - with over 550 delegates from around the world. He was gracious enough to fit some time in with us to share some of his thoughts that were most related to early years community development.

 How do families and community members communicate value and a sense of belonging to children? What types of connections do children need that families and communities could consider?  

(Ungar) Children are more likely to think “We” when provided with homes, communities, and schools that make connections easier. I see this happening all around the world. In the worst, most violent communities, I’ve seen school principals who greet all their students by name and make them feel like they belong at school rather than installing metal detectors at the school doors. I’ve seen families move from sprawling suburbs to denser urban housing because it’s safer! And their child can actually make a contribution to the family by going and buying a litre of milk at a store that is close enough to walk to. Of course, suburbs and large homes aren't necessarily bad. But when we provide our children homes, schools and communities that ask nothing of them—that allow them to    think "Me" instead of "We"—that’s when we get into big trouble. We need to create a world around our children that makes it easy for them to learn how to give back to others. I’ve met families who have a lot of advantages, but still want their children to avoid the perils of selfishness. They:

1. Put younger kids in daycare at least half a day a week to help them learn how to socialize
2. Downsize their homes so people interact more (they have one family room instead of three!).
3. They make sure their homes are places their children’s friends feel comfortable dropping in.
4. They encourage their children to attend a neighborhood school so they can feel a part of their community.
5. They give their children chores that make them feel a part of their families. They don't pay them to do them either, but instead expect children to participate as full members of their households.

Early Years Community Development has a strong prevention focus. What do you suspect makes the most difference at a community level to prevent children and youth from becoming at risk? Given the importance of children having multiple relationships with many adults, how can parents and caregivers find suitable, safe adults to be in their children's lives?

(Ungar) As I pointed out in an earlier book, Too Safe for their Own Good: How Risk and Responsibility Help Teens Thrive, our children today are actually much safer from sexual exploitation than a generation ago. Fewer children are being abused, and fewer children kidnapped. Having relationships with safe adults is something parents should encourage their children to do. Of course, we still need to teach children how to assess situations. Ask your child, “How does it feel when you are with _____?” If a child never has an experience with other adults, then how will he ever learn to know how to talk to strangers, keep himself safe, or behave in different social situations? Having no contact with other adults actually puts children more, not less, at risk later in their lives!

There are lots of interesting adults for our children to encounter. Our extended families are full of colorful characters. Then there’s coaches and teachers, most of whom now go through rigorous checks to ensure they are safe. If we are part of a religion, there’s spiritual leaders too, many of whom now are trained in how to appropriately be with children in order to avoid the mistakes of the past. Still worried about sexual predators, especially on the web? Be sure your child’s computer is somewhere you can monitor what they are doing and have open frank discussion s about what can happen on line.

Many people/parents wish for a more intimate, village-like childhood for children, but it is often not possible. How can parents and communities create a village-like childhood for children?

(Ungar) If you have to drive your child everywhere, you are facing an uphill battle creating a village-like atmosphere for your child. What I’ve learned from children with whom I do research around the world is that a child who can navigate her way around her community is the child who feels connected. I don’t mean a child who is left alone and unwatched. I mean a child who can go get a jug of milk at the store, or who can walk to school (where it is safe to do so). The children who survive best can do these things. They know how to get around their communities.

You can help your child by living in places where there is denser housing. Not possible? Then be sure you child is enrolled in activities with other children. Better yet, get your child to volunteer and help others in their community. I’m also a big fan of sleepovers for children because of the many things children learn when they are away from home. Meet the other child’s parents, then encourage your spend the night. It will teach your child to trust other adults, and even better, how to behave in new situations. Don't be surprised if your child returns home feeling a little more independent.

June is recognized as Senior's month in many communities. Given that elders play an important role in "raising the village" what are some ways grandparents and senior's can contribute to the nurturing and sense of belonging that children need?

(Ungar) The advantages of knowing our grandparents, or an elder in our community, is the sense of place it gives us. For children, a grandparent’s stories give a sense of continuity between the past and the present. They tell the child where he belongs. Strangely, I see grandparents that are being valued far more in other countries than my own. If your child does have a grandparent (or an elderly person who can be a grandparent substitute, like an older uncle, or family friend), be sure to have your child visit, or even better, have your child do an activity with them. My own daughter has spent afternoons cooking with her grandmother. And my son has travelled to see his grandfather just to get help with a special woodworking project he had underway. I meet other families that encourage lots of contact between generations. It’s a win-win situation for everyone. Parents get a break. Kids get a sense of where they come from and the values that are important in life. And grandparents are told they are valued and have something to offer this next generation. Somewhere in that mix of interactions our children are sure to learn how to think "We".

check out Dr. Ungar’s website:

http://www.michaelungar.com/

Book Club (should be on Oprah!)

A diverse collection of women, great food, fantastic conversation - a successful book club event.

Interested in hosting a book club of your own?

Get our book club guide filled with tips and questions to keep the discussion flowing when you sign up for our newsletter.

www.raisingthevillage.ca

Community Development

Mix two thought-provoking days in the GORGEOUS First Nations Longhouse at the University of British Columbia with a gaggle of people all passionate about community development - extraordinary! The conference was hosted by SPARC BC (www.sparc.bc.ca ) - a bunch of dynamic men and women who really modeled innovative community building throughout the conference.

There was a graffiti wall, there was a ‘sandbox’ to unearth shared topics of interest that diverse people could “play with”, there were numerous high and low tech ways for social networking...and the workshops themselves were highly constructive.

Of note for me was an activity done in a workshop on digital storytelling. One of the facilitators, Suzanne (http://suzanneahearne.wordpress.com/ ), had us do a writing activity. She passed around a box of assorted trinkets and people chose one that set off some kind of story line or memory. We each had 5 minutes (or so) to write, write, write....on an index card. NO other rules! What was unique and different for me was the inclusion of SCENTS in the box. I had never written a story that was inspired in the moment by a scent. (Certainly, smells are invoked when I read and write. My fellow conference participants embraced the challenge and shared our stories. They were all so unique! After each story was read - there was wonderful opportunity to interact and find the shared aspects of peoples memories associated with the scent. Definitely one of the 5 senses we tend to forget - but one that I will certainly now keep in my community building tool kit! Take the story in our book (Raising the Village) on page 27 that Tammy wrote - I can almost TASTE the hotdogs!)

Tracy

Honouring Children - The Way to Restore Humane Communities and Our Ecosystems.

A Raising the Village interview with Raffi.


Child Honouring is a movement, one that views honouring children as the best way to create sustainable, peacemaking societies. This message is brought forward by long time child champion Raffi Cavoukian. Raffi’s many accomplishments and accolades include an United Nations’ Earth Achievement Award, two honorary degrees, and the Order of Canada and British Columbia. Let’s not forget his highly awarded career as a musician with an independent record label that has sold over 15 million cds, books & dvds worldwide earning him Juno and Gemini awards as well as Grammy nominations. In addition, Raffi tirelessly advocates for children and our ecosystems, work which has connected him with such humanitarians as the Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela, David Suzuki and Jane Goodall (to name but a few). Raising the Village was honoured to spend some time with Raffi and learn first hand more about the concept of Child Honouring.

As a musician, how did you make the decision to no longer perform for children directly but instead to channel your music, your voice, your purpose and passion towards educators, decision makers and parents/families?

It was a gradual process of realizing two things: first, I’d accomplished everything in children’s music I’d ever imagined and more and second, that advancing Child Honouring as a universal ethic worldwide would require all my energies. So I have devoted my time to developing the vision and communicating it in word, image, and new songs like “It Takes A Village” and “Turn This World Around”.

Where does the philosophy of Child Honouring come from? Is there any correlation to your own childhood (i.e. how were you honoured as child? Where and how did you find your voice)?

My childhood, like those of others, provided the soil which grew the possibilities of my adult life. As a child, though I was certainly loved, I wasn’t respected for who I felt I was; my early years experience was a great struggle that required considerable emotional growth work later on.

Child Honouring, the vision, woke me from a sound sleep on a Sunday morning in 1997, and it came as a holistic vision that I knew was to be the work of the rest of my life. I quickly sensed an integrated framework for simultaneously restoring human communities and the ecosystems which give and support our lives.

What personally brings you a “sense of community”?

Ties with family, friends and colleagues. Family, of course. And friends, the “chosen family” of understanding and support, and colleagues who share a resonant vision and care enough to challenge us to be all we can be.

Involvement in various community events a great way to feel connected. And children & youth, in all of this, are my constant joy. I’m happy to live on Salt Spring Island, a vibrant community rich in child-honouring practices.

How can people who are working together in communities with a focus on the early years relate to the work taking place at the Centre for Child Honouring?

Individuals & organizations with whom we partner regionally, provincially and beyond embrace the Covenant for Honouring Children and its Principles, share them within their circles and post links to Childhonouring.org on their websites. The Covenant expresses the heart of the Child Honouring philosophy, and the Principles taken together offer a comprehensive children-first way of living and creating sustainable, peace-making cultures.

As a connect-the-dots vision, Child Honouring is increasingly regarded as a metaframework that enhances the work of dedicated advocates of children, community, and ecology. Its strong emphasis on “the primacy of early years” affirms all those who work in ECE, ECD and other early years services. Its children-first way to sustainability affirms early childhood as the gateway to humane being, respectful relations, and ecological wisdom.

What bold steps must be taken for our societies to make children a priority? Any simple steps?

At this pivotal time in human history when the future of our children is at stake on our imperilled planet, we need a “whole systems shift” to a new societal design—a compassion revolution!—with a systems goal of respecting and supporting the personhood of every newborn and their supportive circles of relations. We need, as societies, to express love for children in every sector, to design with the child in mind. Children don’t need our charity, they need the respectful love that individuals and families can feel sanctified by supportive legislation.

Two examples: first, 25 countries now have laws that prohibit all physical punishment of children, including at home & school. We need ALL countries to have this ban, and we need leaders of the world’s major faith traditions to call for exactly that. Secondly, we need a ban on direct advertising & marking to children as exists in Quebec, Sweden, and other Scandinavian countries. A national children’s commissioner, as exists in a number of nations, is a helpful position to further these goals. (Imagine the link between pervasive advertising in early years and the consumption habits of grown-ups, and how this relates to the drive to reduce/reuse/recycle drive to minimize the impact of global warming!)

The UN Convention on the Rights of the Child (CRC) is legally binding in countries (like Canada) that have ratified it. Yet few citizens are familiar with it. The CRC declares that children have a right to Provision, Protection, and Participation in society, and further, that children have a right to know they have rights! We need to have this understood in schools and at home in every nation. This is a key component of the mission of the Centre for Child Honouring—to advance this vision as a universal ethic, a code of conduct for all to embrace and live by.

Small steps? There are all kinds of small steps: reducing, reusing, recycling; practicing positive discipline with your children; using only 100% post-consumer recycled chlorine-free paper; urging and supporting child-friendly policies in our elected officials, and much much more as outlined in the anthology, Child Honouring: How to Turn This World Around.

Your song entitled “It takes a Village” was inspired by Dr. Fraser Mustard’s request for a song to help policy makers understand the foundational early years...if you were to take one phrase or one message from this song and share it directly with policy makers what would it be? Why?

From verse 2: “In the early years of life, what does a newborn need to be whole, to thrive in every way?/ In these crucial early years, when the brain is growing, and the love for a lifetime takes hold...”

These words from the song’s 2nd verse express the understanding that early experience shapes a lifetime of behaviour; that’s why the whole of the village (society) must express love for the child, not just some of its component parts, such as family, teacher, doctor, grocer, etc.

What are your short-term goals for the Centre for Child Honouring and what legacy do you hope it will leave?

• We need funding sufficient for staffing the facility and running key programs, such as the Children & Nonviolence Initiative for Faith Leaders, the Covenant translation & distribution program, and our ongoing Speakers Series.
• Also, we’ll develop training tools and processes to train people to give Child Honouring presentations in schools, community centres, etc.
• We’ll soon start a campaign to attract large numbers of Covenant “supporters”, people who’ll add their names to a list of endorsers.
• “Beluga Grads” will be a key constituency among our supporters.
• We’ll work with children & youth to hear their views of Child Honouring themes and to be nourished and inspired by their hearts & minds.
  
  The Centre will be a key voice in the paradigm shift to conscious living, living with the Child in mind. Child Honouring can inspire and accelerate the shift from a bottom line culture where money rules to humane cultures of respectful relations that grow whole-brain Earth stewards worldwide.
  
  We want to be a key partner in advancing a restorative and child-friendly world—as they say at the UN, “a world fit for children”.

For more information on how you can play an active role in Honouring Children or how the Centres work might fit with your community, program or organization – go to the website www.childhonouring.org . Look for current information on the vibrant speaker series, children's art exhibit, and children and nonviolence initiative.

Victoria Early Years Conference

What a conference!

On behalf of the Alberni Valley Make Children First Network, my colleague Alanna and I attended the recent Early Years Conference in Victoria, British Columbia. I expected the child advocate in me to be stirred up and “ready to raise” as the entire three days were devoted to the RIGHTS OF THE CHILD. I was correct...AND there were a couple of unexpected surprises as well.

Surprise #1 Reflective, thought-provoking opportunities were in abundance.

The sessions were informative and heavily grounded in research. They provided many opportunities to reflect on the RIGHTS OF THE CHILD and whether we (as a city, province, nation and world) are doing enough to uphold these foundational rights. The questions I am still pondering include:

• How can we use these rights to the greatest potential?
• How do we know if people are truly aware of the rights of the child? How can children and families be even more aware of the rights?
• How can we use these rights to guide our organizations, programs and community planning?
• Might we be more aware of these rights as not only a moral obligation but a legal one?

Download this child friendly pdf version of the UN RIGHTS of THE CHILD - it is in plain language.

Surprise #2 I met Raffi!!!!!!

What an absolute pleasure to meet this inspirational man and hear of his legacy work with The Centre for Child Honouring. I look forward to learning more about this impressive work in the name of respecting all children and their rights ... thereby increasing global humanity. Thank you Raffi - for bringing a united voice forward for all of us to hear.

Go to www.childhonouring.org for more information.

Tammy

Port Alberni & Ladysmith Book Launches

Thank you to all our colleagues, friends and family who came out to one of our book launch parties to celebrate with us.

Writing and publishing this book (Raising the Village) has been a wonderful journey and the support of people who are just as passionate about making positive community change is what keeps us going.

The photo is of Tammy signing a book for Nicki who we are a BIG fan of. When you read the book, you will follow a delightful group of children and an early childhood educator who teach us many things about building community. Nicki is the real, live early childhood educator in the story. Thanks again, Nicki!

Also ...a big thank you to Salamander Books in Ladysmith - as hosts for our launch, they provided a relaxed and delightfully literary setting.